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Saturday, July 13, 2013

We said Yes and then we were tested.

A lot has been happening since my last post.

Cameron and I are finally married!  All of the hard work paid off, and everything was beautiful.

We left a couple days after for our honeymoon.  2 night in New York City and 3 nights in Washington DC.  We went to a ton of museums and let out our geeky-ness.  It was nice to spend time with my best friend and just acknowledge the fact that we've pledged our lives to each other.  Plus, having 2 weeks off work wasn't a bad thing either!

When we got back, I had a slew of doctor's appointments.  The first one was with Dr. T.  Honestly, it didn't go as I wanted it to.  My FEV1 is down 12% since December.  Dr. thinks it's asthma related, so he started me on Advair.  Here's hoping that is really what it is... but I'm starting that think that it isn't.

We did a repeat PFT a couple weeks after I started the Advair.  There wasn't any change.

So, following Dr. T's instructions, I have made an appointment with Cleveland.  I go next week, and most likely, I'll be having a biopsy done.  So, basically, I've been an emotional mess for the last couple weeks.

On top of all of that, I've had some women issues.  It's required me to have an endometrial biopsy, which has come back "normal", except that the stage in my cycle isn't where it is supposed to be.  They're thinking that I may not ovulate.  With that, and with the results of my last ultrasound that my Dr said my lining looked like that of a women who's gone through menopause.

Cameron and I were starting to investigate the possibility of us conceiving our own child.  But with the recent health news, I don't think that it's going to happen.

So honestly, I've been grieving.  Grieving over the lost dream of having a child of my own.  Over never being able to carry a child.  To feel their movements inside, to hear their heartbeat for the first time, to be able to have that bond with my child.

So now it's back to adoption or surrogacy.  Either way, it's an expensive process that I just don't find fair.  Why should I have to pay a ridiculous amount of money, when my insurance would have covered me fully if I were pregnant on my own?  There are thousands of children that need homes.  Why should I already be that much more in debt?  There are thousands of parents who don't want their child, who aren't qualified to be a parent, and a million other things... but they have them.  Why not me?!

I've been scared too.  Mostly, what if I'm going through rejection?  I know I've had it in the past, we've treated it, it got better and we moved on.  But...  what if.  What if this isn't your normal "acute rejection".  What if I've somehow developed "chronic rejection"?  Only 50% of double lung recipients make it to the 5 year mark with their original set.  Many have to get re-transplanted or die.  I don't want to be in that statistic.  I want to be part of the 10+ years statistic.

So right now, I think Cameron and I have "assumed crash positions" and we're just waiting to see what next week holds.  Maybe, we'll get there and things will be fine.  We can start back with planning for a family.  Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.  At the very least, we can start looking at other options for a family and continue on planning for our future together.


Anonymous said...

I wasnt aware post transplant females can have babies with all the meds. I hope you find a way to begin your family. I also hope the test results in Cleveland were neg. for rejection and its something very treatable like asthma or small infection.